Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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