Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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