you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
