I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He kissed a someone with a penis
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
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