This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
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IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
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Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
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