just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
