my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
