Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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