I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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