I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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