About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
