You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
