I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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