Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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