Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
