I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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