3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
