You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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