the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
