I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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