if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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