i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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