My Higher Power is John Stamos
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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