White coat. Heels.
We got so high we made milksteak
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
as a side note pls kill me
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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