Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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