I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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