watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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