Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Randomize
