My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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