i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
