oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
