Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Floor bacon is actually really good
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
