Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
