Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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