I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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