I wish my penis had an off switch
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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