take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
