i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
