If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
