Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
