i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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