help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
