I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize