Do you still have your period?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
