I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
