id be glad to
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
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