I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
my liver is dry heaving
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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