Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
