Swine flu is the new snow day.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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