I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
