I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
he thought i was a dude.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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