my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
God gave him joint rollers for hands
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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