He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
