Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
