I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
